I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
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My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Nice try, poison.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.