“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
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If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.