I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
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Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.