I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
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That time Alicia messaged me
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…