I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
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Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie