ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
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Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot