If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
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who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes