it be like that
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Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO