Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
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What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.