Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
You Might Also Like
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Autocorrect completely socks
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.