*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
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NOT all policemen are strippers.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it