I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
You Might Also Like
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
“What movie?” 🤔
the simulation is moving too fast
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack