Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
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If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!