Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
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I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old