Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
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Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.