The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
You Might Also Like
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!