Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
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“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Not messing around
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”