WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
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you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I can’t stop laughing at this
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Support your local cemetery
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.