My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
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This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?