what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
You Might Also Like
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!