People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
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Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Wednesday
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.