Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
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Never ghost your hitman.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids