Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
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“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Taking phone security to the next level.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.