Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
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ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
cats when you pet them too long:
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
There’s never enough good news
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.