My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
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in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!