My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
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tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
These 3D printers are insane!
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever