My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
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Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
There is wisdom there.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs