May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
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They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Meanwhile in Portland…
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*