You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
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Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.