I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
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I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
[speed dating]
Her: I鈥檓 a little bit country.
Me: I鈥檓 a little bit ready for the next person.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 馃槼
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I鈥檝e volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we鈥檒l ever find the guy who did it
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I鈥檓 struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait