My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
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Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.