Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
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people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.