DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
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Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.