I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
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The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
jesus, what did this guy do
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I’ve been drinking.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked