The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
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Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.