My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
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What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Dead sexy!!
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.