*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
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jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
nobody’s gonna understand
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.