I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
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rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.