about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
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“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.