Natty or not?
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My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded