Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
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My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Personal question. #JustSaying
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?