Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
You Might Also Like
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail