*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
You Might Also Like
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band