It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
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ready to be harvested
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.