🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
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Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
When he asks for feet pics
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.