– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
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I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?