80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
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t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….