Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
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My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!