Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there