I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
You Might Also Like
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
You know…for fall…
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero